Grief: Defining Loss on Your Own Terms

Grief: What is it?

The dictionary defines grief as the “natural emotional, physical, and psychological response to a significant loss.” In many ways, this definition captures what grief is, but not what it feels like. Emotions, such as grief, cannot be easily described by words in the English dictionary because it isn’t just a term, but an experience that everyone endures differently. There is no “right” way of experiencing significant loss, like there is no “right” way of feeling sadness, anger, and joy. Using my own personal loss of my father, I asked both my mother and sister how they would describe their grief in a sentence or more.

My mom responded by saying:

“Grief feels like a rock in your shoe. At first it’s extremely painful, but over time, your body hardens and gets used to it being there, but it never goes away.”

My sister’s response was:

“Grief is like wearing an old coat for the first time in a while, putting your hands in your pockets, and pulling out objects that spark memories from the past.”

The confusing emotion of grief came to them clearly in a simile. They both explained to me that coming up with their own interpretation made them feel as though they understood what grief truly was in their individual journeys. If you are currently experiencing grief, I recommend creating your own.

Grief Can Look Different for Everyone

At first, I was surprised by the poeticness of their descriptions but appreciated that they took what anybody could experience in their day to day and turned it into a tangible description of the complexity of grief. The deeper I read into them, the more I understood how my mother and sister’s personal description proves that grief isn’t an experience confined to one box, and the way one person may describe it may differ from the other.

One may experience more anger while the other feels more sadness, yet it is still considered “grief”. Grief isn’t confined to one situation, as seen similarly to our other various emotions. We all may experience grief from a variety of loss in our lives, including relationships that have ended, life transitions, losing a job, the passing of a pet, receiving a devastating diagnosis, and even moving homes.

What we normally see that is consistently linear with these experiences is that grief, in one way or another, is caused by a certain disruption in normalcy. What once was there is no longer there, and that loss is not under our control, which is obviously unnerving. Despite the certain event that is occurring in your life that ignited the flame of your grief, your feelings are valid, no matter what shape they take.

Grief can also look different for everyone in a variety of symptoms. It not only has an emotional effect but an emotional, physical and mental influence. Some people may notice:

Five Stages of Grief: The Common Myth

We are given the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The most common myth about grief is that there is conformity to these stages, but in reality, there is no specific order one has to abide by.

The experience of significant loss feels more like playing hopscotch between the stages, going back and forth with no idea what stage you will have to face next. It would truly be awesome if we could map out human emotions of grief and loss just like how we mapped out the scientific method! Unfortunately, our brains are more unpredictable than the steps of science experiments, and it is unreasonably unfair to expect your own brain to follow a pattern of emotions at the drop of a hat.

There is No Such Thing as a “Timeline” for Grief

Those experiencing loss may find a way to shame themselves when they see that their grief journey is longer or shorter than others. For a while, my mom never understood how her friends, who also lost their husbands, were able to date again shortly after the loss of their spouse. Mentally, she wanted to be ready, but couldn’t bring herself to pursue another relationship.

Many of those who are also in my mom’s position worry that they are grieving “too much” or “for too long.” Others may experience overwhelming pressure to regain fortitude for friends, family members, and coworkers who have unattainable expectations for them to move on.

Rather than focusing on the journey of others and wondering, “Why does acceptance feel so unattainable?”, it will be much more helpful to ask, “What do I need right now?”

Taking Care of Yourself While Grieving

When you are grieving, any basic task can feel difficult to manage, whether it’s getting out of bed or taking care of basic hygiene.

It is important to give yourself permission to:

• Maintain a regular sleep and meal schedule.
• Take breaks from responsibilities when you need them.
• Spend time with loved ones who make you feel understood and supported.
• Express your emotions in activities you enjoy (writing, art, movement, prayer, talking, music).
• Remember and honor the person, experience, or relationship you have lost in a way that feels comfortable to you.
• Be compassionate with yourself and remember to give yourself grace throughout your journey.

Prioritizing self-care does not mean sweeping your loss under the carpet. It means acknowledging that you deserve care and kindness while carrying it.

You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone

It is normal for those around us to want to help but not know the right words to say. Life may become a bit isolating when our brains conclude that talking about our grief will result in making the people in our lives uncomfortable.

Although I doubt that the hardships will make our loved ones who care about us uncomfortable, a counselor can provide a safe space where you can lay your feelings on the table. There is no pressure to minimize feelings or protect someone else from them. As I stated, grief is confusing, yet counseling can help you every step of the way to understand what you are experiencing, develop healthy coping habits, work through difficult emotions, and find ways to adjust to life after loss.

Pushing yourself to seek support does not mean you cannot cope. Instead, reaching out for guidance can be an important part of caring for yourself and your emotional well-being.

Moving Forward

Healing from grief does not mean you are leaving your loss behind you. Healing means adapting to the disruption in normalcy, being able to carry it, and continuing to build a meaningful life.

Of course it won’t be easy, and there will be difficult days that make you feel like your progress is fleeting, but hardships are only part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to experience moments of laughter, hope, connection, and joy. Experiencing these moments does not diminish the significance of your loss.

If you are grieving, give yourself compassion the same way you would offer compassion to someone you love. It is unreasonable to expect yourself to figure everything out today. Take every day and moment at a time.

If you feel that grief is making it difficult to manage daily life and additional support would be beneficial, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Grief doesn’t have to be navigated alone.